You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
