The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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