I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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