i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
