my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
