Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
