What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
