you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
