I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
