he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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