Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
