my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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