I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
