is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
