Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
