so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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