the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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