omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
