im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
