There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
