Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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