God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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