so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
