I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
