I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
