Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
