dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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