im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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