Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
