Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
