I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
