I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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