Umm I'm too high to move.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
