She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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