Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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