who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
