I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
