you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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