She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
