im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
