So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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