The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
