I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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