You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
