guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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