just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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