Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
