Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
