My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
