dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
